My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
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The funk soul brother
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that