“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
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my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
Me as a therapist: omg same
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
This is a bad sign
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.