Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
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At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail