Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
![]()
You Might Also Like
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
![]()
Pass gas, not judgment.
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex