Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
You Might Also Like
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
Banderslack Clamberdorch
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes