Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
You Might Also Like
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
operators are standing by to ignore your call
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
why I oughta
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.