Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
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The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
I’m literally crying