I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
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Feel. He’s so soft.
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
Stop sending me this shit.
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?