Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
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I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
The photographer’s assistant
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]