Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
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What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
How much for the goth pool noodles?
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Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
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Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
I am, perchance
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Someone should probably go check on Steve.
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If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
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Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
I was at the Doctors office and he said the nurse was coming to give me a shot. I said, ” can my day get any worse?” Dr said to relax and as he walked out he said, ” and prostate exam today too’
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
Art by Pastelkatto
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