Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
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“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
My Guy
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
rise and shine we got egg
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale