Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
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My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
me: do you want to play some ps4?
me: no we only have the playstation