Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
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babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.