Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
You Might Also Like
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
I get distracted pretty eas
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.