Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call

If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos

wife: tell me her name

*slap*

wife: TELL ME HER NAME

*slap slap*

wife: and where did you get a seal anyway

[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP

I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time

I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.

Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.

Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.

[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]

I’m protesting the climate.

Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.

CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken

ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you

Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”

there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me

waiter: do you have any questions about the menu

me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats

My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.

yall want some gasoline milk

Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!

Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.

My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.

SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too

My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.

“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers

People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?

I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie

My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.

How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?

Me: How can I make this funny?

Them: Change what funny is.

[15 years ago]

Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana

[Now]

M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!

I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe

Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.

[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right away

Security Guard: take the escalator

Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW