Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
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I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
Dead sexy!!
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Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
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If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
thanksgiving should be called feaster
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.