Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
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Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.