More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
You Might Also Like
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
Check out the legs on this baby
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer