[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
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my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
as is their right
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.