my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
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In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
They got a point!