Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
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Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.