Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
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[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
Interviewer: your resume says you鈥檙e an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you鈥檙e hired
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
[God creating teenagers]
What鈥檚 the most expensive way to be ignored?
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 馃檨
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
good work, everybody
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you鈥檙e attached to in a married way?
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?