Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
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There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.