Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
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I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.