“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
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If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man