[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
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My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.