@loweminuh

If Mr Krabs owned a bar

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@CornOnTheGoblin

[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!

@Brianhopecomedy

My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.

@YayForJam

Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart

@julezmac

“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy

@dreamthievin

Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot

@markydoodoo

Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?

Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.

@botandy

You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.