If Mr Krabs owned a bar
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Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
What personal space?
My dog
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.