I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
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I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
This week’s mood.
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There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars