I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
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At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
A Match(.com), but for socks.
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.