Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d date me.

But mainly because I put out.

I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.

This story is comedy gold 😂

I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.

Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.

As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.

To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you

Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.

“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.

It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails

Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.

Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.

ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”

do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?

I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.

The more things change, the more they stay the same.

earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that

I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.

new record!

I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”

Is fructose made with real fruct?

GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!

Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.

Cat 911: what’s your emergency

Cat: my human is bleeding to death!

911: stay calm. what happened

Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her

911:

Cat:

911: hahahaha

Cat: hahahaHA

Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA

I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily

But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special

I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order

*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*

[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now

my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.