When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
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Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.