Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.

You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears

Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”

stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.

Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂

If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.

I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”

*throws nickel at grandpa*

I need more magic ear money.

X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.

what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes

what my dog hears: goodbye forever

COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.

me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?

them: you don’t work here

me: i know it was really tough getting past security

LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer

two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???

Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.

Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.

I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something

Label: Non-habit forming

Me: Challenge accepted

I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.

I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”

So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.

[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonight

DATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not

Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.

6: OK. But who makes the rules?

Me:

6:

Both of us: Mom.

Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.

Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me

Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”

It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.

I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting

“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it

I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.

Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.

Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.

this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over

SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”

ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”