Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer

[blind date]

Her: so what do you do for fu..

Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE

Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.

*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room

Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?

RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”

When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.

God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers

I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?

please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else

Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”

People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs

Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.

*do a little dance*

*make a little love*

*get kicked out of this funeral*

[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”

Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.

Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah

A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’

{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet

the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things

I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.

Genie: You have 3 wishes.

I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.

Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?

Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.

Therapist: That’s not very healthy…

Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷‍♀️

Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.

Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.

You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma

Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.

It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.

I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.

I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.