Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
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I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
<- sleeps well with others
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t