Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
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I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.