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It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
S/o to @funTweeters .
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”