We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
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I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
what
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
who did the taste test?
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
u guys got any snacks onboard here
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless