Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
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My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???