Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
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If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
she has a point
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*