If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
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I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
My what?
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
This is the best one I’ve seen
me hitting on a model
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
Blew out my flip flop…
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.