A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
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Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
✌️
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM