what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
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Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
Never be a pizza!
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?