I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
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It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
Meth is short for Elizameth.
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
<—- homeless romantic
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%