*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
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I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
🤣😈🤣
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
hackers play passwordle
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok