hackers play passwordle
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It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
girls literally only want one thing..
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.