I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
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Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside