Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
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*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.