What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
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Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear