It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
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I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov