It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
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I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
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a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy