It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
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The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
I have never related to a cat more
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle