It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
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Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.