Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
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Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.