Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”![]()
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Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
![]()
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
Wind chimes prevent the air from sneaking up on you.
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*