Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
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A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
If you know, you know
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
Morning my dudes.
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.