Morning my dudes.
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[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no