Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
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We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”