Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
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Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced