I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
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driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
I have written yet another poem about laundry
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band