Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
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wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run