europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
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I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”