I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
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[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
same bro
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now