BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
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It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
Mad Max Arctic Road
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.