I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
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[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
Customize Your Wedding.
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.