What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
You Might Also Like
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
The Others (2001)
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
mom had nothing to worry about
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*